5 things not to say to someone with an eating disorder and how to support instead

Eating disorders are serious mental health conditions, and recovery is not as simple as “just eating more” or “not worrying about food.” People of all ages, genders, backgrounds and body sizes can experience eating disorders. Support from family and friends can make a meaningful difference, especially when it is grounded in compassion, patience and understanding.

You do not have to fully understand an eating disorder or have the perfect words to support someone. What matters most is creating an environment where they feel believed, respected and supported in seeking care.

Here are five common statements to avoid and what you can say instead

1. “You look great!”

Compliments about appearance may seem harmless, but comments about someone’s body can be difficult for a person with an eating disorder to interpret. Even a positive comment may cause them to focus more closely on changes in their weight, shape or appearance.

Try instead:

“I’m really glad to see you.”
“How have you been feeling lately?”
“I’m here for you.”

Focus on the person rather than their appearance. Avoid commenting on whether they look healthier, thinner, stronger or different.

2. “You just need to eat.”

Eating disorders are complex mental health conditions. Telling someone to simply eat more can minimize what they are experiencing and may make them feel misunderstood or ashamed.

Try instead:

“I know this is difficult, and you don’t have to go through it alone.”
“How can I support you right now?”
“Would you be open to talking with someone who specializes in eating disorders?”

Recovery can take time, and professional support can help address the thoughts, emotions and behaviors connected to an eating disorder.

3. “You don’t look like you have an eating disorder.”

Eating disorders do not have a particular look. A person’s appearance cannot tell you whether they have an eating disorder or how seriously they are struggling. People of all body sizes, ages and backgrounds can experience eating disorders.

Try instead:

“I’m here to listen.”
“Thank you for trusting me.”
“What would feel supportive right now?”

Taking someone’s concerns seriously can help create a safe environment for them to talk honestly about what they are experiencing.

4. “Why don’t you just stop?”

Eating disorder behaviors can be difficult to change, even when someone understands that those behaviors are harming them. Asking why they cannot simply stop can come across as blaming or imply that recovery is a matter of willpower.

Try instead:

“I know this isn’t easy.”
“I’m not here to judge you.”
“I’m here for you, wherever you are in the process.”

Try to listen without judgment and avoid turning the conversation into an argument or power struggle. Using “I” statements to express concern can help keep the conversation focused on care rather than blame.

5. “You look so healthy now!”

During recovery, changes in a person’s body can be an important part of treatment, but comments about those changes may still be uncomfortable or triggering. Instead of focusing on physical appearance, focus on how the person is doing and what matters to them beyond their eating disorder.

Try instead:

“How are you feeling?”
“What has been helpful for you lately?”
“I’m here to support you.”

Recovery is not always linear, and every person’s experience is different. Avoid making assumptions about where someone is in their recovery or what they need based on how they look.

How to support someone with an eating disorder

Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is simply be there.

Listen without judgment

Give your loved one space to talk about what they are experiencing without immediately trying to solve the problem. Ask open-ended questions and listen to their answers.

Try: “How can I best support you?”

Focus on the person, not the eating disorder

Continue doing things together that have nothing to do with food, exercise or recovery. Watch a movie, play a game, work on a creative project or simply spend time together. Remind your loved one that they are more than their eating disorder.

Be mindful of diet and body talk

Consider how conversations about weight, dieting, calories, exercise or appearance may affect someone who is struggling. Being intentional about these topics can help create an environment where they can focus on recovery without feeling additional pressure or judgment.

Encourage professional support

You do not have to know exactly what to say or how to help. Encourage your loved one to connect with a mental health professional, physician or other provider who has experience treating eating disorders. Specialized support can provide guidance for both the person experiencing the eating disorder and their loved ones.

Remember that you matter, too

Supporting someone through an eating disorder can be difficult and emotionally draining. Make space for your own support and well-being, too. You can be there for someone without being responsible for their recovery.

Start with compassion

You do not need to have the perfect words. What matters most is communicating that you care, that you are willing to listen and that your loved one does not have to face an eating disorder alone.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, reaching out for professional support is an important step toward recovery. Rosecrance offers specialized eating disorder services to support individuals as they work toward recovery and a healthier relationship with food and their bodies. Learn more about eating disorder services at Rosecrance or talk with a member of our team to explore available support.

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